TWO

HEAVENLY RAINBOWS

Kieron Lascher frowned at the rainbow of light that was glowing in the distance. He pressed back against the shiny silver walls of the sewer, his pulse racing. Being a demon in Heaven was dangerous, but he wasn’t going to leave without his Dora-minx. He knew she was here somewhere. He just had to find her and take her home.

Assuming she can go back to Earth…

Since her body had faded from his arms the second he stepped through Heaven’s back door, he’d been suffering from panic attacks. Without knowing where she was or where her body had gone to, he was beginning to lose hope of ever finding her.

Clenching his fists, he refused to allow his doubts to stop him. He was going to find her or die trying.

He turned to face Lucian, pointing to the rainbow of light that was bobbing toward them. “What is it?” He hissed. Lucian was a pain in the ass, but since he was a fallen angel, he was the only guide they had in this alien terrain.

“Ooh pretty,” Pooey said as he stared at the lights.

Lucian shook his head at the little brown demon. “It’s shit, angel shit. Don’t demons fucking know anything?” The dark-haired angel stared at Kieron with disappointed dark eyes. “Didn’t your mother teach you anything useful?”

Kieron scowled at him. “She taught me a lot more than my loser father ever did.” He stared pointedly at Lucian. Since discovering that the fallen angel was his real father, Kieron was finding it difficult not to punch the guy, if for no other reason than his screwy genetics stunting the growth of his demon horns with goddamn angel genes.

He idly wondered if Lionel had known that he wasn’t his son. It would explain a lot about his childhood. In some ways, he almost pitied Lord Lascher. No wonder he’d always been disappointed in him. On some level, he must have known that Kieron wasn’t a full demon or his son.

I’m still a demon though. Angel genes or not, I refuse to be a fucking angel.

“Are you fucking with me?” Pooey said. “Angels shit out rainbows? Do they wipe their asses on unicorns too?”

Lucian narrowed his eyes. “If you insult Peggy one more time, you shit-colored fur ball—”

“She likes the name Skanky.” Pooey interrupted, referring to Lucian’s flea-bitten unicorn, which they’d had to leave behind on Earth.

Kieron thought the creature was better off on Earth and in the safe hands of Mortimus, who had taken great care of her. He wasn’t sure if mythical creatures could suffer cruelty, but Lucian’s unicorn had stunk until Mortimus had cleaned her up.

“Just because you have a name that basically means excrement, it does not mean that all creatures should suffer the same fate.” Lucian poked a finger into Pooey’s little chest, which wasn’t the best idea because the small demon—who looked a bit like a teddy bear in his current state—latched onto it with his teeth and bit down.

Kieron sighed as he watched Lucian dance around the tunnel with a fluffy, angry demon attached to his finger by its teeth. Frustrated, he brushed his hand through his short blond hair, shaking his head.

They’re going to get us caught if they don’t shut the fuck up.

“Will you two fucking behave?” He tried to get between them, but Pooey growled at him, clinging on to the angel’s finger. Meanwhile, Lucian was dancing up and down, yelping.

Heavenly music echoed down the sewer as bright lights lit up the ground. They all stopped and stared as what could only be described as a rainbow-colored turd floated past them emitting angelic sounds.

Pooey’s mouth dropped open in shock, releasing Lucian’s finger in the process as he watched the rainbow of colors float by. He inclined his head sideways as he watched it, his expression a mixture of awe and horror. “They sing to you too?”

Lucian closed his eyes as if in silent pain for a moment. “They didn’t used to. They must have changed the process since I was last here, fucking idiots!” He slapped his forehead.

“That’s kinda creepy.” Kieron pointed to the singing turd as it floated by. “Why make it sing?”

Lucian threw his hands into the air. “Like I’d fucking know. Angels, man, they’re all fucked in the head.”

“But you’re one,” Pooey said.

“Not anymore,” Lucian muttered.

“So your crap doesn’t—”

“No, it fucking doesn’t!” He glared down at the little demon.

“Aww Fallen Dick, did they leave you out of the shit upgrade? Never mind. You can just eat a box of crayons if you want to see a rainbow. I’ll sing for ya.” Pooey cleared his throat and then began to growl out a tune that did not sound heavenly at all.

“I’m gonna have to kill him,” Lucian muttered before launching himself at Pooey.

Kieron grabbed the angry angel, holding him back. “That’s enough! Stop it. Both of you need to chill the fuck out. We’re here to find Dora, and we’re not going to do that if we get caught, so stop fucking bickering!”

Pooey held his hands up. “I was only trying to be helpful.” He flashed an innocent look.

Kieron narrowed his eyes at him.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop for Dora.” The demon lowered his voice. “Sorry, Lameo-Lucy,” he muttered under his breath.

Lucian clenched his jaw. Then he stopped struggling to kill the little demon. “So you should be.”

Pooey scowled at him.

“And I’m sorry that you have a shitty name,” Lucian added.

Kieron rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the best apology in the world, but it would have to do. “Okay, good. So we need to get out of here. Which way do we go?” He pointed to the junction ahead, two tunnels leading off in different directions.

Lucian strode into the left one. “This one will take us to the City of Angels.” He sighed, which is going to royally suck,” he muttered as they headed down the tunnel.

Kieron hurried after him, hoping that Dora would be safely waiting for him in the City of Angels.

Please let her be okay.

“You need to know some stuff before we go up there,” Lucian said as they stared up at the shiny golden ladder that led up out of the sewers. “First, never tell anyone that you are a demon. Being a demon is bad here. You also don’t want to be a sinner, a human, a mammal or different in any way. In fact, the only thing you are allowed to be is an angel. If you’re anything else, you’ll get blasted to death by angel fire.”

He peered at Pooey. “In your case, don’t speak. You’ll only survive if they think you are an angel’s pet, so you can be my shitty, little dog.”

Pooey narrowed his eyes and peered at Kieron. “I’m not loving this plan.”

“Second.” Lucian continued. “You need to act like angelic beings. That means no swearing, no fighting, no killing unless ordered to do so, and no doubt. You need blind faith in the lord, Heaven and being good. If someone tells you to kill a puppy for the lord, you do it.”

“I’m not killing a puppy.” Kieron shook his head.

“Just distract them by talking about the gigantic rainbow that came out of your ass that morning instead,” Pooey advised with a nod.

Lucian covered his eyes with his hands and shook his head. “Oh fuck, we’re all gonna die.”

“Stop being so doubtful, Angel-fail.” Pooey jumped onto the first rung of the ladder and began climbing up it. He glanced back over his shoulder. “They’re fucking angels. How scary can they be?”