The Impossibility of Watching Little Dorrit…

Problems Finding British TV Shows in er, Britain…

You know, if Little Dorrit was around today, she would have been living on a council estate while her father was drowning in ‘final notices’ and betting his hopes on a PPI claim. But the storyline of the Dicken’s classic isn’t really the point of this post. No, the point of this post is how difficult it is for a British citizen to watch something British online.

I’m British, and I wanted to watch Little Dorrit (the BBC 2008 version) for many reasons. Okay, I admit it. The main reason was not my love of classic literature. It was the impulse to see Matthew Macfadyen on my screen again. Hey, I’m only human…

Anyway, my first port of call was the BBC website. The show has been on British TV, I think. I don’t know because I haven’t watched a programmed channel for years. I like watching movies and series online when I choose to watch them. But surely this Emmy award-winning drama would be on the BBC’s iPlayer.

Nope. In fact, I can find very little to watch on iPlayer. Okay, fine. I paid for my TV licence, but I’ll happily pay again for this series because it looks amazing.

So, I check out the BBC store. Can I find it streaming online there for a price tag? Nope. There’s just a DVD, a DVD? I just threw away fifteen boxes of DVDs. I want digital. I want to walk around with Matthew Macfadyen’s smooth voice in my head. Seriously a DVD, what is this, 2001?

OMG there’s no streaming option available at the BBC store. Okay, it’s not the end of the world. I have Netflix. Maybe it’s on there… Nope. Everything appears on Netflix nine years after you want to see it because obviously the internet is steam propelled, so it takes that long for Supernatural to cross a fucking ocean! (Seriously, nine years?)

Okay, I want to pay for this. I don’t want to use the craptastic pirate sites that offers me things for free with a great dollop of porn beside them because I think artists should get paid for their work, and I’m not convinced they do get paid by bouncyboobsfreetvspanking.com. But Little Dorrit must be on sale somewhere online.

Hey Google, where dafuq can I watch Little Dorrit?

Hmm, pirate site, another pirate site and some more pirate sites. Oh, a fan site with links to pirate sites… Jesus fuck, I wanted to watch it with my hot chocolate fudge cake, but now it’s cold chocolate mush cake!

OMIGADZ Wait! Amazon, thank god, I’ll sign up for Prime or something. Okay, what do we have here? Is it the right series? Yes! Can I buy episodes? Yep. Oh wow, the first episode is free. Awesome, let’s just check this works on the free one before I sign up for anything.

-Clicks to watch episode one-

I’m sorry. This episode is not available in your country…

Wut?

What the fuck? How is a Dicken’s classic from the British Broadcasting Cooperation not available in my country? My country is fucking Britain!

Okay wait, I see the problem. I’m on Amazon.com.

-Changes URL to Amazon.co.uk-

It’ll work. This time it will work.

Page not found.

ERT$£^£RG£$^cker!!? Okay, calm -Eats cold cake- Let’s just search Amazon UK. There it is in—oh, fuck me. It’s only available in DVD. Well, I don’t know why they’re not selling the phonograph version. This is England after all. God forbid we have streaming or moving pictures. Can I buy it in oil painting please?

Okay, this can’t be right. Let’s try the BBC again. There has to be somewhere I can buy this streaming online.  DVD, Amazon… Oh, iTunes. Okay, I guess. I mean, I’ve never used them before, but it looks as if they sell it in the UK.

Okay, iTunes here I come. There’s Little Dorrit, and there are all the episodes. Okay, you’ve convinced me, sold!

Login or sign up

Jesus, can’t you just take my credit card? Okay, I’ll sign up.

God, it’s like a form for the tax office.

Security question: What colour are your knickers?

-Shrug. Types: ‘The same as Wonder Woman’s,’ and clicks next-.

Password is not suitable. Please include a number, a letter, a symbol, a drop of blood and your DNA.

Oh for fucksake.

-Sets password to: IwantToWatchLD!-

Password is not suitable. Please…

Yeah, yeah, I know. -Sets password to: 1wantToWatchLD?Aight££-

Password not suitable. You cannot use foreign symbols in your password, such as £.

Are you kidding me? It’s a British account, how is a pound sign foreign… Oh, whatever, fine.

-Sets password to: WutDafuQ!Ki55MyA55-

Password accepted.

Awesome, I’ll never remember it.

After logging in twenty-five times incorrectly and taking about an hour to find out how to download the series, I managed to get it and start watching it. There were a few hiccups, actual hiccups during a few episodes where the whole screen jumped, and I did go a tad deaf from the sound issues, which had nothing to do with the programming and everything to do with the delivery of it. But hallelujah, I could finally watch the show.

Today, I’ve reached the last episode, and I really want to watch it because the series is fantastic. The actors, the writing, the scenes and the direction are all outstanding.

-Clicks on episode 14-

No sound…

Okay, either the final episode is about a group of mimes, or there is something wrong with the sound.

-Clicks it again.-

Why is Matthew Macfadyen miming at me? No, I can’t tell what’s happening! I need words!

-Deletes the episode and downloads it again.-

NO! It’s the last episode. I paid for it. I travelled the webiverse to find it. I gave iTunes access to my underwear for godsake! Please let me watch the last episode! Why god, why? Why won’t it work? What did I ever do to you?

-Watches mimes running across her screen-

Fuck it!

-Clicks on episode 14 on Youtube to watch it for free-

This video is not available in your country.

-Expletives that are too extreme for public viewing by anyone under the age of 95 occur-

Well, that’s just great. Now, I’ll have to read the book! -facedesk-

-Opens one eye and browses Amazon for the e-book…-

Clearly, Britain is no longer in a golden age, especially not when it’s still using steam to power the internet. Innovation in video and television programming would be making ALL movies and TV shows available for viewers to stream them whenever and wherever they want to. If you want to stop piracy, why not make things available for people to buy them how they bloody well want to? Why isn’t this available to buy in a stream from the BBC, or on Amazon or on Netflix? Why isn’t everything?

Obviously, there is no limit to what a person will do if they want to watch a particular show, but it would be nice if I didn’t have to hunt it down like a lunatic and flash my underwear at every website to get it.

On a side note, it’s a very good series, and I really did enjoy it. But I cry inside a little bit for how backwards the process is that delivers UK media to the British people in this golden internet age. Delivery of media really shouldn’t be this big a problem. It should be click-buy-watch. Even subscribe-pay-watch would work for me, but enough of the DVDs or waiting ten years for it to come out. There is no retirement date for things on the internet, and there are no boundaries. Why make it so difficult when it doesn’t have to be?