TWO

HELL ON EARTH

Josie Carridine watched from the front row pew as sweat dripped down her husband’s face while he shouted at the TV cameras from the pulpit, threatening the wrath of God to all sinners. She nodded in agreement when he declared all vegetarians were an abomination. She was surely blessed to have such a righteous man for a husband. Not only had he saved her from a life of sin, pole dancing at the infamous ‘Big Fat Joint’, he’d also helped her career as a TV producer. Oh yes, life was wonderful once you left sin behind.

“And He shall strike you down,” Theodore shouted out to his congregation. “Down to the depths of hell if—I-if …”

Theodore stopped speaking and stared at the back of the church with his mouth hanging open and his eyes widening. Josie jumped when she heard a loud scream from the back of the room. She spun around to look behind her while hearing the entire congregation shifting in their seats as they did the same.

Thick black swirls of smoke were twirling in the air around the closed doors of the church.

Has someone set the doors on fire?

She gaped at the fog in shock and shook her head at the thought. The mist wasn’t behaving like smoke at all. It amassed into a big black blob with more and more seeping in under the door until it split into two foggy shadows.

She lifted her glasses, which were hanging around her neck, to peer through them. The two black smoky shapes formed into separate entities that appeared to have heads and arms. She dropped her glasses and rubbed her eyes before looking again.

At the same time, both shadows snapped open fiery red eyes. Their maws gaped as they let out a loud hollow laugh that echoed through the church. Josie winced when Mrs. Smiggins, the oldest member of the congregation, keeled over three aisles down.

I hope she’s fainted, and she’s not dead.

The two shadows each gripped a handle of the double doors of the church and flung them open. A burst of flames shot through the entrance. Gale force winds blasted through the room, knocking parishioners over and sending the smaller ones flying around the church in a twister style hurricane.

Josie ducked down in her seat and hugged the pew, which was thankfully nailed down.

“Out, damned demon.” She heard Theodore shout at the shadows, but they had already evaporated into the flames. Lightning shot around the high ceiling of the church, shattering through the stained-glass windows. The air was alive with electricity.

Josie fell to her knees and prayed—and this time she meant it.

Dear God, please save me from this nightmare. I promise to be faithful and end my affair with Phil on camera four. I’ll remain good and pious, and stop trying to sell ad space on the church website. Amen.

She glanced up to see an army of turquoise serpents slithering through the doors and up the aisles toward the congregation, who were now screaming and running toward the pulpit to escape the demon snakes. She pulled herself up and jumped back as one of the snakes snapped at her hand, almost succeeding in ripping one of her fingers off. She pulled away just in time. They were like no snakes she’d ever seen before. Their eyes were ocean-blue, and their teeth were green.

Have they been drinking NiQuil?

The snake reared up. It was as tall as she was. Fear slammed through her, making her knees tremble. It launched at her, emitting a deadly hiss. She threw her bible at it, knocking it backwards before she dashed toward the podium and cowered behind her husband, who continued to pray, although his voice was now hoarse.

The wind howled around them. The parishioners who hadn’t passed out were all cowering around the pulpit. Some were white with shock, others were openly crying with thick trails of snot pouring out of their noses. They were the lucky ones, to have stuffed up noses. A few of the congregation had crapped their pants, judging by the stains on their clothes and the stench in the air.

Josie stared toward the blazing fires at the entrance as they wickedly licked the inside of the church. She glanced down the aisle in horror as her gaze fell upon the blue snakes writhing around at the foot of the raised pulpit, hissing and biting at each other. There was no way out.

She jumped when deep thunder echoed through the room and glanced up to see violent winds rip apart the inside of the chapel. Streaks of lighting shot around the small group of people huddled on the pulpit, making them scream and jerk in terror. Wailing pleas for God to help could be heard over the howling wind while the hurricane twisted its way up the church, about to engulf them.

Josie gasped at several loud stomps. The church shook violently before everything disappeared. The snakes vanished, the wind died down, the lightning stopped and the fire faded into nothing.

“Shit!” Dora cried as she walked back into her room and saw her carpet burning. She repeatedly stamped on the fire until the last ember turned to black ash.

“Crap,” she said.

Dad’s going to go ballistic over this.

Dora sighed at the useless summoning circle, which was now a curled up, burnt mess. She threw herself onto her bed and lay on her stomach, staring at the black screen of her pink television. She pulled the remote control from beneath the mattress and pressed the power button on it. Her TV was only allowed one network—her father’s. She wasn’t allowed to watch anything else. Thank Beelzebub her parents weren’t net savvy, or she would be living in a religious bubble.

Since it was her bedtime, she knew the stupid show would be over soon. Sometimes the old black and white movies they showed late at night weren’t too bad. Doris Day kicked ass in Calamity Jane.

The television flickered into life, and her dad’s show appeared on the screen. People were wailing, crying and praising the Lord.

Aww shit, they didn’t do another one of those miracle cures shows, did they?

Dora’s eyes widened as Molly Carmichael, the prim librarian from the main library, wandered in front of the camera mumbling incoherently. Molly turned her back to the camera and bowed to the pulpit. Dora’s eyes widened more when she saw what she could only describe as effervescent shit stains decorating the back of Molly’s pink tweed skirt. She watched Molly wander off camera, still mumbling random words like, ‘snakes’ and ‘demons’ as she disappeared from view.

For the first time ever, Dora found herself glued to her dad’s show.

I can’t believe I missed this.

Her father finally came on screen as he pulled himself up off the floor. He clawed at the podium and dragged himself up, so his head appeared over it. He was shaking all over and had a few small cuts and gashes on his face. His hair looked like an oversized white afro hovering around his head. The priest’s collar of his vestments hung limply down his neck in a white line.

“Dah …” He tried to speak, but his voice was so hoarse he only managed a sound. He was breathing hard. Judging by the murderous look in his eyes, Dora knew whatever he was about to say was not going to be good.

“Dohh …” He managed before taking a deep breath. He stared down at the podium for a moment in silent fury.

He eventually looked straight up into the camera. The moans and wails of parishioners were echoing behind him, through the microphone. “D-Do-Dora, I’m going to kill you!” Her father gasped into the camera before he passed out on the podium and slid to the floor.

Dora blinked at the screen.

Shit, what am I getting blamed for now?